do you know ellen?

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Google me, I'm not hiding.

Posted by melanella on August 16, 2015 at 1:30 AM

I was just chatting with a friend over drinks tonight about celebrity crushes and for a second, I was stumped. Who am I crushing on these days anyway? When I thought I was straight, I had all kinds of male celebrity crushes. Literally always someone. It was easy to have crushes on virtual men and thus never be expected, or worse, dared, to make a move. After a moment’s thought, I remembered my present crush and simply stated, 

“Well, Kristen Stewart. She really needs to come out, finally.” 




I’m not really much of a Twilight fan, though I have read the books and seen the films. I think I fell for KStew in the middle of watching The Runaways. Probably somewhere in this scene:

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Ummm, yeah. Definitely in that scene. 


I came home just now to see that there was a bunch of buzz surrounding KStews recent Nylon Magazine interview in which she 'finally' addressed her sexuality. Aside from the quote I titled this post with, there was one thing she said that really resonated with me:




“I think in three or four years,

there are going to be a whole lot more people

who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out

if you’re gay or straight. It’s like,

just do your thing.

 

It was like a wake up call. Even to me, who has prayed for her to exit the closet most triumphantly. 'Cause see, the thing is, it’s not necessary. Or, at least, it shouldn't be. For seemingly forever, before she 'finally' came out, I would see tabloid photos of Ellen Page looking so wonderfully queer, out and about with her various similarly queer looking gal pals and wish for her announcement as well. She, too, wasn’t hiding. She was living her authentic life, just not “selling it” (to quote KStew once more) to the media. I can say the same, even still, for Katherine Moennig.

 

I forget, even with my proximity to the performing arts, that these women are actresses. Chameleons. It is important for them to remain versatile or risk type casting. Moreover they are public figures, and holding onto ones privacy can be near impossible, especially in the age of social media.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get at here, why I felt compelled to write and post this at 2:30 AM, is that I’m going to try and let go of my need for celebrities to label themselves publicly, as well as let go of my need for the people I encounter in my daily life to do so. The label isn’t important. It’s the bit about living authentically in the moment and not worrying so much about what it means in the grand scheme. Fluidity is real and it is perfectly acceptable. 




Back when I was in the process of coming out, whenever the topic of celebrity crushes would come up, the ones I would share aloud would often still be men. I didn’t know how to articulate how I felt looking at (or, let’s be honest, listening to) Emma Stone on screen, so instead I gushed about her Zombieland co-star Jesse Eisenberg. While I was genuinely a fan of his work, especially in his lesser known film Holy Rollers, I expressed my appreciation school girl crush style. I’d focus on his looks (he is quite cute, in a quiet/mortified by his own awkward existence sort of way), but mostly I thought he was talented and dealing with his fame in an interesting way.




“But, aren’t you a lesbian? Or does this mean that you’re bi-sexual? I don’t understand. I think you need to make up your mind.” 




My best friend simply could not reconcile within herself what all of it must mean. What does it mean? What does a crush on a male celebrity make me?


Turns out, it makes me: me. Living my authentic life, not worrying so much about where that classifies me in the grand scheme. 


Categories: coming out

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